I did find this post though. Reading this helps me remember why we blog. If I had not written it down, I would have forgotten this precious moment with my son. It was written the end of March, 2007.
Last night I sat on the bathroom floor with my soon to be 9 year old son, Mark, and watched as the tears poured down his face. He was crying because he can't remember his cousin anymore. James passed away when he was 19 months old due to a genetic disease called Menkes. Mark was 7 at the time. He says he just wishes he could remember something, but he can't. That's so hard. Mark adored James and spent so much time with him..but, he just can't remember.
He's finally asking questions...tough ones. Ones that I ask and have no answers for. We talked about all the wonderful lessons we learned and how we would not have ever learned those lessons if it weren't for James. We learned that every person, no matter what the disability, deserved love and acceptance. They have amazing personalities that shine through their eyes and their limited movements. We learned unconditional love. But, then you have to ask..why James..why did we have to learn those lessons at the sacrifice of James? Tough questions for an 9 year old, tough questions for a mom still muddling through some of those same issues.
It's hard being a parent. It's hard to watch your child suffer and question life issues. At the same time, it's wonderful to watch them learn about life and to find stability in a God that loves and saves them. One of the best lessons we learned is that God will not take away all of our tough times, but he will definitely walk through them with us. He sees the big picture. James is already with Him, and we will be eventually. Maybe in the end, that is all that matters.
There are also amazing fun times, times that I am thankful for and still wouldn't change but, again, not an easy thing to understand.Mark is a wonderful child. He's extremely sensitive and loving. I just have to keep praying that he will keep talking and expressing himself, that he won't bottle any of his feelings up. What a blessing it is to be his mom!
Recently I read somewhere that every trial we go through prepares us for what is going to happen next in life. I really don't think we would have felt ready for McKenzie if it hadn't been for James. There would have been a "trial" period of figuring out how to deal with a child with disabilities, one who looks different and may not be "normal". McKenzie was loved and accepted instantly. We already know the benefit of loving completely a child that may not be "normal". We didn't have to think about it or weigh the risks. We learned alot through James and are learning through McKenzie now. He paved the way for her into our family. He did so much in his little life and I'm thankful for every moment spent with him, every lesson learned, every angry grunt he gave me and most of all, I'm glad God chose us. Despite the pain, I'm glad I was his aunt and I'm equally glad to be McKenzie's.