An Invitation

Tonight I decided to sit down and share my thoughts surrounding our house fire. They aren't too put together, but after a crazy day, and a day of trying desperately to process my feelings, it's all I have. I really didn't want to do two posts of the same thing, so I wanted to invite those of you that loved us through that time period to visit our family blog. It's also an amazing little girls' 1st birthday on Friday and I will be doing some posts on her as well :)

If you are interested in the link, please email me at heatherschaos@gmail.com and I will send it to you.

My Summer

I'm back too :) Thanks so much for being so understanding about Reese and I needing to take a little bloggie break. We really needed it, but I did miss you.

I had an ah-ha moment (you know one of those moments where you get smacked in the face?) the beginning of June which sent me on a whole new direction for my summer. I went to a co-workers high school graduation and you know what I realized? Amanda only has four years left at home. Four years. Do you know how fast four years goes? In a blink of an eye, my baby will be going her own way. I was shocked that I hadn't realized it. The six months prior to June had been filled with total chaos with the fire and everything that entailed, moving back home and helping with my sister in any way possible. It was a whirlwind and I realized that I had not been enjoying my kids in the manner I was meant too.

Dan and I filled our summer with as much fun as possible. We did so much stuff, especially for us, as we tend to be homebodies. We camped several times, went on two vacations, picnics with family, walks in the park, playing in the park until late at night...the list really goes on. I have been ignoring the computer as much as possible, which at times feels like I am ignoring Reese and I hate that (and vow to do better). I have learned so much about my kids, have fallen madly in love with my husband and adore our family so much more then I did back in June.

Amanda is now a freshman, Mark has entered middle school and McKenna is a big second grader. There are definitely more moments where Amanda is learning who she is and at times that means testing us. It's so hard. She is so fun, loving and kind and then there are the teenage moments where I literally want to scream "who the heck are you???" but we get through them.

Saturday I had another ah-ha moment. I had the privilege of going to a David Cook concert. I love David Cook and couldn't believe I actually got to go to a concert. My friend that went with me also has a daughter who is a year older then Amanda and on the way there we were chatting about how hard it is to let our girls go and let them grow up. They are at an age where there is so much we can't do for them. They have to figure out their feelings, beliefs and values for themselves. Anyway, if you are familiar with David Cook, you may know the song "Come Back To Me". I love that song, but right when it started my friend looked over at me and said "this song is a dedication to our girls". Can I tell you I lost it right there, absolutely bawling lost it. I know as a parent of these teenagers, you have to let go in a sense. You can not lecture, be in their face or demand they believe as you do. Their lives become more of a conversation where you must listen and you must respect where they are coming from, it's much more give and take at this point. I can not throw out my beliefs without being willing to listen to hers. I have to trust that I've laid a good foundation and that she'll, in a sense, "come back to me".

If you are interested, here is a link to go see a video of him singing live.

Here is how I spent my summer, loving on these guys!

Rasing a Man

Another first day of school and all is well. What more could I ask for?

Today was Ian's first day of Reception (Kindergarten). The way it works here is the kid starts Nursery (Preschool) in the school year they turn four-years-old. Then when they start Reception, the ones who turned 4 later in the school year- like Ian did in June- they go half days until January. It gives them a few months to age a bit before jumping in full time. So though it was the first day, he knew most of the kids from Nursery last year, plus he has the same teacher Zach had last year so he feels like he already knows her, and it's only a few hours a day anyway.

Ian is a sort of enigma: clingy and attached to me like a last born should be, yet very independent and unruffled when it comes to leaving me in times like the first day of school. He's shy, yet bold. Whiny and brave. Try to detach him from my leg while I make dinner and you might as well catch the Loch Ness Monster and make hors d'ouerves out of him. But when I walked him to his classroom this morning- past the hordes of thrashing children screaming "Mum, don't leave me!"- he walked calmly to the board, found his name, dropped it in the box and waved a silent good-bye to me. He could have lived without the kiss I planted on his cheek and he didn't even notice that I stood on one side of the room and watched him looking lost and brave and confident for a few minutes.

I was very curious about his day, so I peppered him with questions on the walk home.

Me: "Ian, what did you do at school today?"

Ian, calm and happy as can be: "I don't know."

M: "Okay. What did Miss G say to you?"

I: "I don't know. I forgott-ed."

M: "Did you play games? What did you play?"

I: "I don't know."

M: "Who did you play with?"

I: "I don't know."

M: "Are there kids in your class from last year? Which ones?"

I: "I don't know. I forgott-ed."

Is this a man in the making or what?! I've got to teach him the art of conversation or he's going to make some unsuspecting girl who fell for his huge puppy dog eyes really, really miserable! I did get 2 answers out of him:

Me: "What did you eat for snack?"

Ian: "Apples."

Me: "Did you eat your snot?"

Ian: "Yes."

At least he was honest...

It's Hard To Be A Parent (Revisited)

As you can tell, I seem to have issues right now with posting. It's not that I don't want too, it's that I just can't think up anything great to say. Reese and I have had a couple of different blogs over the years and one of them has been saved so I decided to look over there and you know what, on that blog, it was mostly Reese as well. I must frequently have writer's block. As you can tell from my different posts, writing and grammar are definitely not my strong points.

I did find this post though. Reading this helps me remember why we blog. If I had not written it down, I would have forgotten this precious moment with my son. It was written the end of March, 2007.

Last night I sat on the bathroom floor with my soon to be 9 year old son, Mark, and watched as the tears poured down his face. He was crying because he can't remember his cousin anymore. James passed away when he was 19 months old due to a genetic disease called Menkes. Mark was 7 at the time. He says he just wishes he could remember something, but he can't. That's so hard. Mark adored James and spent so much time with him..but, he just can't remember.

He's finally asking questions...tough ones. Ones that I ask and have no answers for. We talked about all the wonderful lessons we learned and how we would not have ever learned those lessons if it weren't for James. We learned that every person, no matter what the disability, deserved love and acceptance. They have amazing personalities that shine through their eyes and their limited movements. We learned unconditional love. But, then you have to ask..why James..why did we have to learn those lessons at the sacrifice of James? Tough questions for an 9 year old, tough questions for a mom still muddling through some of those same issues.

It's hard being a parent. It's hard to watch your child suffer and question life issues. At the same time, it's wonderful to watch them learn about life and to find stability in a God that loves and saves them. One of the best lessons we learned is that God will not take away all of our tough times, but he will definitely walk through them with us. He sees the big picture. James is already with Him, and we will be eventually. Maybe in the end, that is all that matters.

There are also amazing fun times, times that I am thankful for and still wouldn't change but, again, not an easy thing to understand.Mark is a wonderful child. He's extremely sensitive and loving. I just have to keep praying that he will keep talking and expressing himself, that he won't bottle any of his feelings up. What a blessing it is to be his mom!

Recently I read somewhere that every trial we go through prepares us for what is going to happen next in life. I really don't think we would have felt ready for McKenzie if it hadn't been for James. There would have been a "trial" period of figuring out how to deal with a child with disabilities, one who looks different and may not be "normal". McKenzie was loved and accepted instantly. We already know the benefit of loving completely a child that may not be "normal". We didn't have to think about it or weigh the risks. We learned alot through James and are learning through McKenzie now. He paved the way for her into our family. He did so much in his little life and I'm thankful for every moment spent with him, every lesson learned, every angry grunt he gave me and most of all, I'm glad God chose us. Despite the pain, I'm glad I was his aunt and I'm equally glad to be McKenzie's.

The Fashion Show In My Back Yard

Is this the future trend among the young people?! It's highly favored among my youngest boys, as modeled here by Zac.

Pizza Night

I don't cook. Most of you know that. In fact, I actually don't even enjoy eating, I mainly eat because obviously we have too. I really don't enjoy cooking. I have been really proud of myself because I have cooked dinner for the last two weeks straight, a true record for me.

For Dan's birthday my mom gave him a gift certificate and you know what that man did? He had me meet him for lunch and he spent all of his birthday money on me for kitchen stuff since I have been cooking. I bought a pizza pan (among other things) and last night I decided to give homemade pizza a try. I have always wanted to cook pizza at home but I have always been scared that I would ruin it and it would just be a waste of my time. I am pleased to announce that it turned out AMAZING and my family is now asking I do it every week.

Here was the kids' pepperoni pizza

Here was Dans

Here is mine (minus green stuff!)

I am seriously so pleased with myself. I'm sure those of you bakers are wondering what the big deal is, but to me this is huge and a way I can bless my family.

Summer Activities

This summer my kids are staying home and not going to my mom's house. They are old enough to handle most things on their own. I started to panic a little when I realized that for most of the summer they are going to be alone, probably watching TV, playing on their handheld games of choice, talking on their cell phones, texting and playing on the computer. I'm sorry, but that sounds like a lot of lazy nothingness to me, so I started signing them up for various things to make their summer more productive and so they wouldn't have too much down time. I'm overwhelmed with how much I've scheduled in, and I'm not even the one having to do this all. Think I overdid it? LOL!!

• weekly art lessons for Mark & McKenna
• four weeks of the summer daily swimming lessons for Mark & McKenna
• soccer practice for McKenna
• weekly reading class at the library Mark & McKenna
• camping for the whole family
• family vacation to the beach
• one week of garden camp for McKenna
• one week of bug camp for Mark
• family reunions
• twice weekly gymnastics for McKenna
• weekly tennis lessons for Amanda & Mark
• babysitting jobs for Amanda
• Tennis camp for Amanda

I'm sure that this isn't a complete list, but this list alone makes me tired. How about you guys? What do you do to keep your kids busy for the summer?

Tomorrow Is A Big Day - Update!!!!

Update: My mom just heard from Bethany and McKenzie is out of surgery (see below for details). Everything apparently went as planned and McKenzie did very well. She had her cleft lip repaired and parts of her nose redone. I can't wait to see her. As soon as I have pics, I will post them. (I'm assuming there will be bandages on her and it could be a few days before we actually see her).

I can't thank you enough for your prayers. They mean everything to us.

Heather

Tomorrow is huge for our family. Tomorrow Amanda turns 14. To say that I am shocked is an understatement. It goes by so quickly. I'm incredibly proud of the young woman she has turned into. She is loving, caring and unselfish. I'm thankful for her and the love she shows us everyday. Her sense of humor is the best and she keeps us laughing at her antics.

We also have something else that is huge happening tomorrow. McKenzie is having her cleft lip repaired. They warned us prior to her birth that even though they are doing a necessary surgery that parents often go through a grieving process because their child's looks are drastically changing. We all fell in love with her "as is". Bethany just cannot wait for this to be over. Please be praying that McKenzie does as well as she did last time. It's a 6 hour surgery. Bethany's husband has asked that the family stay home so we will not be with them during this difficult time. To say that everyone needs prayers is an understatement. If all goes as planned they will be home on Wednesday.

iPod Shuffle

I had an optometry appointment today, and while my eyes dilated so the doc could stare deep into my soul, I started the iPod on shuffle to see what I came up with. It took awhile so I managed 15 songs. Here we go:

1. When I Grow Up by Nicole C Mullin
2. Tonight Tonight Tonight by Genesis
3. Author of Life by Phil Joel
4. See You by Shaun Groves
5. We Make Alot of Love by Harry Connick, Jr.
6. Easy To Love by HCJ
7. The Cinema Show by Genesis
8. Chanson du Vieux Carre by HCJ
9. Open Skies by David Crowder Band
10. Never Die by Creed
11. Easy To Ignore by Sixpence None the Richer
12. Child by Tait
13. Say It by Rihanna
14. Lord, I Don't Know (Live) by Newsboys
15. Words I Couldn't Say by Rascal Flatts

Hearing the Phil Joel song reminded me of a funny moment in Oregon a couple of weeks ago. I was talking to my Dad and brother, trying to remember the name of "that bassist that used to be with The Newsboys, you know the one that made a couple of albums on his own... the blond guy with the long hair?" My Dad gave me a goofy smile, "You mean Phil Joel? How could you not think of that right now?!"

My Dad's name is Phil, my brother's is Joel.

Duh.

Update! My American Idol tid-bit: if you need a reason to love my Matt, click here. This is the night I became his cheerleader!

And With That, I'm Officially Old!

It's not so much age that makes a Mama old, it's how old her kids are. Now that I have two teenagers in the house, I'm old. But lest I make this about me...

Happy 13th Birthday, Kristine!!!

My sweet Princess got a special trip to the beauty salon a couple of days ago. I even let her skip school for the occasion. Here she is, post hair cut and color.


I love my girl so much. I pray The Lord blesses her with wisdom and grace as she walks through her teen years. Kiki, you light up my life!

Everyone Needs Friends Like This

Everyone needs friends like Linda and Vicky.

Linda, when she called to check on Tim and the kids, was so surprised that I was home that she could only scream. Literally. She started screaming when Tim told her I was here and kept going for a bit after I got on the phone. If you don't have anyone to scream for you after a long absence, go find someone. It's priceless.

Vicky hugged me, stood back and said, "You've lost weight." That too is priceless, twice as much so when she repeated it the next day. Find one of these friends too.

Another sort of friend to get immediately is the sort that allows you to stay in her house for 6 weeks without a word of complaint. I have several friends who would likely do this for me, but this time it was Heather. A place to crash while visiting my sister and family is priceless, especially when the people I'm staying with are like family in every way but actual blood.

So many people took care of me, as well as my family, while I was away. Vicky, Linda and Javare' all took care of our kids when Tim had work responsibilities. Christina gave me incredible deals on Mary Kay products, Andreanna watched Ian for me, Billie Wii bowled with me for some lighthearted, stress-relieving fun, Holly offered her sweet smile and laughs over dinner out, and Hannah made me smile and cry and remember how blessed I am to have such a special sister. Mom drove me to the Air Force Base where I eventually got a flight out, Dad was his usual quiet and comforting self, Renato and Nancy took care of me as any parents would, and many more prayed for us during this time of separation.

Thank you.

Breakfast

It's the end of spring break here and I haven't been shopping in awhile. Yesterday my kids said "when are you ever going shopping, there is no food in this house". Luckily Reese came home with bananas yesterday and they were appeased for awhile.

This morning found my son pacing around the house saying "I'm so hungry, I'm so hungry". Poor guy. I offered toast, no he didn't want that. Finally he went for some cereal which he then proclaimed was STALE! Being the good mom that I am and loving to cook so much (notice the sarcasm) and since I did get up early today and had a little extra time I offered to cook my three STARVING children fried eggs.

Well, I learned an important lesson this morning. You leave six eggs on high to cook themselves, it just doesn't work well. I had to go do my hair you know. When I arrived back in the kitchen I found burning, rubbery eggs. Thank goodness the smoke detectors didn't go off and I had just enough time to hurry to McDs for our favorite sausage McMuffins!

This Post Is a Day Late

March 22, 2003 was one of the happiest days of my life.

When Tim and I separated in August 1998 the baby bug had already bitten me. Then, facing a prolonged separation and devastating divorce, I felt I was destined to have only two kids. I struggled in the following years with trying to come to terms with the fact that God may not have more children in mind for me.

In 2000 Tim and I began the process of reconciliation, and renewed our marriage vows in May 2001. It was a joyous time, as we set off tentatively back on the path of marriage. People began dropping hints that we should have more kids, but we weren't ready yet.

In 2001, in the week following the terrorist attacks, Tim began mulling over the idea of joining the US Military. By October 2001 he had visited the Air Force recruiter and in January 2002 he left for Basic Training. He spent the rest of the year in training for his chosen career. We lived with him that year for only 3 1/2 months, in Biloxi, MS.

February 2003: we arrive at our first duty station, Spangdahlem AB, Germany. For the first time in years circumstances were right for having a baby. After a long year of physical separation, we were ready in more ways than one to start "trying"!

It started March 17th. I saw the kids off to school from my front door (they rode an American school bus), then Tim off to work. By 9am I was back in bed sleeping, and up again a little after noon. I got pretty good at doing a whirlwind cleaning job that looked liked I'd been working for most of the day. This continued all week. I was so embarrassed by my apparent laziness that I didn't mention it to Tim.

I expected my period on Friday, and when the day was over I still couldn't imagine that I might be pregnant. We went to a local Italian restaurant and I felt sick from the cigarette smoke. After dinner, we went to base to rent a movie. I was so tired I couldn't stand up. I sat on a low shelf and waited for Tim and the kids to choose the movie so we could go.

Saturday, March 22: I'm in the kitchen making breakfast and I'm nauseated and sweating, wondering what on earth might be wrong with me. I actually had a pregnancy test in my dresser drawer but didn't want to use it. It had been so long since I'd been pregnant that it was almost like the first time when I thought it couldn't really happen to me. I remember the moment well when I thought, "I guess I could be pregnant. I might as well do the test and see. I could always buy another one later if I need to."

I left the biscuits in the oven, grabbed the test and sneaked into the bathroom. I peed on the stick and put it on the side of the bath tub. "Jesus, show me something good!" I whispered.

I had been planning all the cool and creative ways I could tell Tim and the kids for years. But seeing the second line appear swept all my good ideas away. I began to shake and my heart was beating quickly. All I could do was grab the test and bolt up the stairs, where I was crying and yelling to Tim about how I was pregnant. Tim cried, I cried, Kristine cried, Sean smiled like his face was gonna break. Later, on November 26 of the same year, Sean said, "Zach came just to make us happy." He was right, and the happiness began on March 22.

Having Zach was a physical sign of a new era for our family. God has been good to us, and it's never as obvious and when you look at the 2 little miracles He added to our family in 2003 and in 2005. They are proof that God can do anything.

Closing Doors

Yesterday I finished helping my sister pack up the remnants of her old life. We packed and tossed and cleaned for two days and then shut the door of her apartment, as well as the door to the past. What a momentous moment for her, closing that door. She's very guarded with her emotions and even if she wasn't she's taken such a beating in the past six weeks so I'm sure she had mixed feelings.

Had someone told me two months ago Jonas could make me do anything at all, I'd have laughed at them. Yet I found myself cleaning out his fridge and vacuuming his bedroom, working alongside my sister- his wife- in the way he should have been. So many things left undone and unsaid and unaccounted for, so many lives hanging on, stopped as if in midsentence and grappling with how to say what they had hoped to say- needed to say.

I've learned that suicide is truly a selfish act. Did I tell you Jonas committed suicide? Well, he did. He chose to leave a life that so many struggle to hold on to, a life that some endure such hardships as chemotherapy and open-heart surgery to continue. In the aftermath is so much anguish, such pain and anger and grief and turmoil. Eveyone tries to make sense of it while keeping their tidy little world views.

And what can I do? Nothing big, just the little acts of love and sacrifice. My sister doesn't need me to swoop in with big intentions and lofty goals. Instead, I babysit for her, drive her to appointments, help her clean the apartment where her life ended and the next began. Love her. Love her kids. What else is there?

What can you do? Pass on The Father's love to those around you. You never know who has thoughts so dark they can't think through them. You never know when you won't have another chance.

Paybacks

In September 2007 Heather and our friend Holly visited me in Germany. It was just turning cooler- the time of year when the weather is great in the daytime and really cold as soon as the sun sets.

Tim had been deployed to Kuwait since May (he returned the day before Holly and Heather left for America), so some of the household To-Do list was left undone. Such as refilling the oil tank. It was bone dry, which meant we didn't have any heat, aside from rather ineffective space heaters.

Heather is one of those perpetually cold people, the kind that shivers under blankets in an 80 degree room. You can imagine what she endured those two weeks (with the exception of a quick jaunt down to Rome where I'm sure she found the weather more agreeable). Poor girl. She was so gracious though, and kept a happy smile on her face, even as she tucked the blanket more tightly around herself as she read on the couch.

Now I'm staying with her.

Do you think I'm cold?

No.

At first I thought she was paying me back for her cold German stay by leading me to a sweltering room on the top floor, but now I think she's showing me what she would have appreciated on her visit to me. Maybe it's just kindness... maybe she's seeking revenge!

But, of course, I'm kidding. I'm so gratfeul that Dan and Heather have allowed me to stay with them and I've been as comfy as can be. Sure, it gets a little toasty in my corner of the house, but I'm truly not complaining. I think there are some temperature control issues in the house, so while I'm sweating it out at night, she's actually shivering in her room. I'd offer to trade her rooms, but I'm thinking she wouldn't be willing to give up her beautiful new bedroom, and I doubt Dan would appreciate sleeping on Ian's cot.

Heather and I have made two "meals" together: chicken, mashed potatoes and veggies on Saturday night, and granola yesterday. I just love eating with Heather's family: they aren't exactly vegetable fans, and as a newly converted vegan, our ideas of meals clash and harmonize in interesting ways. I have some pictures to post later of her family's reactions to avacado and coconut milk. I'm sorry to say I missed getting a picture of Heather scraping her spinach into the garbage. That would have been one to enlarge and hang on the kitchen wall!

Love you, Heather! Thanks for everything. It's been fun!

My Teapot is Not a Treasure, and a Few Other Things

Reese will be here anytime, at least that is my guess. I haven't heard anything since about 6:00 p.m. last night and I'm assuming that no news is good news. She is going to be stuck at the chaos of my house, which actually should be fun. I hope we can be a good distraction for her as she is helping her sister through this ordeal.

I am also hoping that even though my teapot is not a treasure that she will be able to drink out of it :) I think I better clean it before she gets here though, that looks like dust! I thought I would show you guys a few of my walls that are finished. I gave you a little preview on this post.

Here is my castle wall:


This is a close up of one of the castle ruins we got to explore while I was in Germany visiting Reese. It's called Manderscheid and it's amazing.
This is a door that was across this little courtyard from Reese's house. I instantly fell in love with this door and always knew I wanted to do something with it. When I first blew it up my hubby thought I was crazy, now he really loves it. So do I!

Here is our Home Is Where Your Story Beings Wall. It has all the special people on it that are helping shape my kids' lives, and a few that have shaped mine and Dan's lives as well. I am so thrilled with how this turned out. Now, when I get those little special snapshots, I can just go switch out a few pics and keep it constantly changing.

Please be praying for Reese when she gets here. Please pray for health, for strength, peace and wisdom. I know she deeply appreciates your prayers and support.

A Sneak Peak

My house is in shambles, total disarray. Every day we try and get something more done. This has been just like an actual move. There are a few things that we have put together and stuff that I am loving. Here is a sneak peak of a few of my favorites

This is a tile that my coworker made. She gave it to me as a Christmas present and it's the first thing you see when you walk in the door.

This isn't a very good picture but it shows the stand the tile is sitting on.
Here is a picture that I blew up to 12 x 18 of one of my favorite castles in Germany. I also have another picture of castle ruins that should be here by Saturday and a picture of a very old door that was across the courtyard from Reese's house in Germany. I'm going to hang them all together and will post a pic of them when they are all up.

This wall is an idea I got from another blog I visit. It's large magnetic boards from Ikea for photos. When the wall is complete we will have six boards up and I bought a huge sign to go over them that says "Home is Where Your Story Begins"

This is a collage that's going up in our bedroom. I'm in love with it. I think it turned out amazing!

Here is a sign that hangs above our bed.

Our bed...I love it!

There ya go. A few of my new favorite things. Once the house is actually finished, I'll take better photos.

A Slide Show

Compiled by my sister Hannah; pictures of Jonas, who died this past Wednesday. Please keep her and the family in your prayers.

I am headed back to America on Monday with Ian to spend some time with Hannah and the family. I'll be staying with Heather and I'm sure we'll have some pictures to post soon.

Cheers.

Grief is like water.

It comes in waves, like you've always heard, crashing and receding and pounding out of your control. Sit on the edge of the water on the beach and see if the waves stop lapping and splashing at your feet. They don't. Ever.

But grief is also like water in that sometimes you move past it, you go on with life and you think you're okay until you realize that your mascara is running down your face and the book you're holding is drenched. Then you notice the ultra fine mist that is falling on you. It's the slightest twinge of pain, now that you've noticed it, constant but undemanding.

Grief is like a shallow pool, deceptively calm, with jagged rocks just below the surface. Step in just the wrong way, at the wrong speed or without proper protection and you'll find yourself nursing an open wound again. Under some circumstances, it's possible to drown in a few inches of water.

Grief is the deep sea, without a floor or anything solid within reach, pressure mounting on all sides without the luxury of a moment to examine, consider, take a breath. It stretches out as far as the eye can see, sounds of an ear-bursting roar and fills the nose when all you want to do is breath in air. It overwhelms you when you're in it, but to those on the safety of land or in a boat, the danger seems minimal.

Grief, like water, can cleanse, it can purge, or a person can drown in it.